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February, 2010

  1. Are You Sure You Don’t Want My Email Address?

    February 21, 2010 by Katie Schwartz

    Aside from the fact that I have an eye infucktion burning my lady ball, and I’m busier than a tunnel rat foraging for a fuck, and more eggzhausted than a street walker pulling an all nighter wearing this ensemble, I’d say I’m doing mighty fine.

    Let’s play the “will you please stop emailing the wrong katiegirl game”, shall we? Great!

    Hey katie wua?

    What is a wua? Enlighten me. I asked, but didn’t get a response. I’m thinking it’s an acronym for Wear Underwear Always. This begs the question, how do you know I don’t and why is my undergarment status of concern to you.

    I was invited to a (not my words) chic champagne brunch by Queen of the Lake, in Reno. If someone can please explain what’s chic about Reno, I’d appreciate it. Having been there many times, I can’t say that it’s synonymous with chic. But, what do I know?!

    Kyra screamed this into my inbox:

    I invited you to chat !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I explained that I wasn’t the Katie she was looking for, to which she responded by calling me a snot. Really? I was so disillusioned by her response given her zeal to chat. She couldn’t muster a ‘cuntzilla” as Grainy calls me.

    My good pal Rye-Rye sent me this. Ha. Loved it.

    Rylee is one of our favorites here; she sends me emails all the time and this month was no different. I received 5:

    Why don’t you ever email me?!=:(:(:(“.

    Three frowns. I hope she didn’t throw herself over a bridge.

    Kyra stomped her feet and threw a tantrum later in the month.

    I INVITED YOU TO CHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I think reasoning with her at this stage in our e-stalking relationship isn’t in the cards.

    I received another FooPets e-card, this time from Madelyn. Dog. Dead. Deal.

    Rylee emailed me with even more frowns, if you can believe it.

    I had such a board time at curch:(((((

    Love “board”. I sent her a link to postal service of the saved, so she’d feel that her endeavor wasn’t for naught. I also wanted to ask her why she bothered going, but it seemed inappropriate. Speaking of the postal service, did you know there’s a website called Postal Reporter, big postal fun: A postal news blog, postal photos, books, videos and postal attendance. Everybody clap.

    Good ol’ Rylee came back for more. Apparently, I forgot a few things…

    Hey whats up? Hope you can play. I want to pik to chat with u. Oh and Katie you forgot your pillo again!!!!!!! Well see u soon love, me:)! Rylee if u wer wondering:))!

    I appreciated the ‘Rylee if u wer wondering” at the end, concerned that I’d forgotten her. As if?!

    How apropos, I just received an email from, I kid you not, 1-800-suicide.


  2. In Your Face Pies Logo

    February 11, 2010 by Katie Schwartz


  3. If I Had Testicles

    February 7, 2010 by Katie Schwartz

    I would

    1. Play with them all day regardless of who was watching, my hand would spend so much time in my pants, I’d have to charge it rent
    2. I’d treat them like marbles and ping-pong balls
    3. I’d play with them in front of old ladies
    4. I’d sit in restaurants spread eagle and watch people’s reactions while I was sack-plunging
    5. I’d unzip my pants and let them hang out every so often for fresh air and a spot of color (always in search of a vitamin D boost)
    6. I’d nickname them, something manly like Jimmy the butcher and Vinny the neck:
    7. I’d give them literary nicknames like Bukowski and Vonnegut

  4. A Guy For A Thing

    February 1, 2010 by Katie Schwartz

    Whether I’m in a conversation or happen to be eavesdropping, a favorite past time. If done correctly, it’s exceptional cardio. I’ve leaned so far that I’ve fallen out of chairse stretching my legs, neck and arms enough to pull muscles.

    I have noticed that everyone has a guy for a thing, whatever that thing is, have you?

    1. I need someone to install my hardwood floors. I’ve got a guy for that.
    2. I’m looking for someone to fix my hairdryer. My guy is great, cheap and quick.
    3. My sunroof isn’t closing properly. Hire my guy, he’s the best.
    4. I need my vibrator repaired. If you don’t want to buy a new one, my guy can do it. If you let him watch, he won’t charge you.
    5. Oh shit, I ran out of cash and need menstrual pads. My guy will walk around with snatchpads (towels) between your legs for 7-days; he’s super easy going and has a menses fetish.
    6. I don’t feel like going super big potty right now. Pulling down my pants, undies; it all seems too daunting. Plus, the seat is cold and I don’t feel like having chilled ass at the minee. My guy has this shit laser transformer thing, it’s so cool! He basically points it at your intestines and teleports the shit from you to himself. The best part is that you feel NOTHING. Isn’t that great?! Love him total shit-meister.
    7. I need to have my gall bladder removed, but I so can’t be bothered. My insurance sucks ass. They’ll cover maybe 20%, if I get my MD to sign a 20-page document and my upper GI guy to sign a 10-page document and fax it all to Agent 5608983719042 on February 12th @ 3:07 PM. OMG, my guy LOVES Jello. Wait for it do you need a guy to be your MD/GI guy? I have one.

    Who is your guy and what can he do for me?