A Guy For A Thing

Whether I’m in a conversation or happen to be eavesdropping, a favorite past time. If done correctly, it’s exceptional cardio. I’ve leaned so far that I’ve fallen out of chairse stretching my legs, neck and arms enough to pull muscles.

I have noticed that everyone has a guy for a thing, whatever that thing is, have you?

  1. I need someone to install my hardwood floors. I’ve got a guy for that.
  2. I’m looking for someone to fix my hairdryer. My guy is great, cheap and quick.
  3. My sunroof isn’t closing properly. Hire my guy, he’s the best.
  4. I need my vibrator repaired. If you don’t want to buy a new one, my guy can do it. If you let him watch, he won’t charge you.
  5. Oh shit, I ran out of cash and need menstrual pads. My guy will walk around with snatchpads (towels) between your legs for 7-days; he’s super easy going and has a menses fetish.
  6. I don’t feel like going super big potty right now. Pulling down my pants, undies; it all seems too daunting. Plus, the seat is cold and I don’t feel like having chilled ass at the minee. My guy has this shit laser transformer thing, it’s so cool! He basically points it at your intestines and teleports the shit from you to himself. The best part is that you feel NOTHING. Isn’t that great?! Love him total shit-meister.
  7. I need to have my gall bladder removed, but I so can’t be bothered. My insurance sucks ass. They’ll cover maybe 20%, if I get my MD to sign a 20-page document and my upper GI guy to sign a 10-page document and fax it all to Agent 5608983719042 on February 12th @ 3:07 PM. OMG, my guy LOVES Jello. Wait for it do you need a guy to be your MD/GI guy? I have one.

Who is your guy and what can he do for me?

8 Comments

  1. “My guy” is me, and I move furniture. Ask Anne, I’ll move it over here, and I’ll move it over there. I lift flats of things you buy at Costco, and I carry it up four flights of stairs to your apartment.

    Do you need gallon tubs of humus and flats of water carried? Cases of maxi-pads and jugs of shampoo? I’m your guy.

  2. Dr. Monkey

    I got a plumber who will snake your drain like nobody’s business.

  3. I think there’s an app for that.

  4. Cyndi Woodruff

    “My guy, My guy, My guy…..talkin’ ’bout MY GUY”

    Hahahaha!!! Good one, Katie!!!

  5. I hate the neighbor guy across the street. He’s a real grouchy prick. I was telling a friend about him and she said, “Do you want him taken care of? I have a guy for that.”
    Wow. I was impressed, but I thought better of availing myself of his services.
    Except for a guy like that, I have guys that can do everything else. It comes from living in the same town for 3o years.

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  7. Madam Schwartz:

    I got a guy who has been remarkably successful training Jews to not only forget they’re Jewish, but also to help them understand that it’s hard to be taken seriously when a human believes their club is the only club allowed in heaven.
    Then, stage three of the “De-Jew Clue” he actually teaches them to avoid announcing everywhere to everyone “Oh yeah, I’m Jewish” giving various examples by comparrisson – Catholics will never mention off-handedly they’re Catholics, and so on.

    If Jewish is not a nationality – which confuses everyone still to this day, then it’s a religious belief and has no real meaning for non-jews who could care less.
    Unfortunately, it’s painfully obvious most of the time, to those of us sick and tired of the elitist disparities – therefore stage four, conditions Jews to join the rest of humanity in brotherhood and deed – possibly even understanding what one of the last great Sheiks of Palestine meant when he asked President Hoover why his country had to be given to the Jews – he asked, why not Germany when after all, it was Germany who started and lost the fucking war in the first place.

  8. Er – a Small literary quibble –

    You guys over the pond say you “could care less” about people’s religions etc, as above, whereas we in Ireland say we “could not care less”, meaning we couldn’t give a shit. When people say they don’t care about whatever, they’re usually lying.

    This is a small quibble, but it offends my sense of logic. Could I care less about religions, yes. I could care less, because I hate the horrible things people do citing them. Am I interested in religions? Yes, I am – especially in the positive aspects – usually what they have in common – da good stuff. So saying you could care less is more truthful, I suppose, because it means you probably care a great deal or you wouldn’t have bothered addressing this stupid point
    in the first place. :) ( Pls file under separated by a common language) potato tomato sidewalk pavement; garbage rubbish

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