February 7, 2010
I would…
- Play with them all day regardless of who was watching, my hand would spend so much time in my pants, I’d have to charge it rent
- I’d treat them like marbles and ping-pong balls
- I’d play with them in front of old ladies
- I’d sit in restaurants spread eagle and watch people’s reactions while I was sack-plunging
- I’d unzip my pants and let them hang out every so often for fresh air and a spot of color (always in search of a vitamin D boost)
- I’d nickname them, something manly like “Jimmy the butcher and Vinny the neck:
- I’d give them literary nicknames like “Bukowski and Vonnegut”
February 1, 2010
Whether I’m in a conversation or happen to be eavesdropping, a favorite past time. If done correctly, it’s exceptional cardio. I’ve leaned so far that I’ve fallen out of chairs—stretching my legs, neck and arms enough to pull muscles.
I have noticed that everyone has a guy for a thing, whatever that thing is, have you?
- I need someone to install my hardwood floors. I’ve got a guy for that.
- I’m looking for someone to fix my hairdryer. My guy is great, cheap and quick.
- My sunroof isn’t closing properly. Hire my guy, he’s the best.
- I need my vibrator repaired. If you don’t want to buy a new one, my guy can do it. If you let him watch, he won’t charge you.
- Oh shit, I ran out of cash and need menstrual pads. My guy will walk around with snatchpads (towels) between your legs for 7-days; he’s super easy going and has a menses fetish.
- I don’t feel like going super big potty right now. Pulling down my pants, undies; it all seems too daunting. Plus, the seat is cold and I don’t feel like having chilled ass at the minee. My guy has this shit laser transformer thing, it’s so cool! He basically points it at your intestines and teleports the shit from you to himself. The best part is that you feel NOTHING. Isn’t that great?! Love him—total shit-meister.
- I need to have my gall bladder removed, but I so can’t be bothered. My insurance sucks ass. They’ll cover maybe 20%, if I get my MD to sign a 20-page document and my upper GI guy to sign a 10-page document and fax it all to Agent 5608983719042 on February 12th @ 3:07 PM. OMG, my guy LOVES Jello. Wait for it—do you need a guy to be your MD/GI guy? I have one.
Who is your guy and what can he do for me?
January 29, 2010
I was born Katie Schwartz. I know there others out there, thanks to Google and not being retarded.
For years, I have been dying to talk to other Katie Schwartz’s to find out if we have any commonalities. I’m curious, okay?!
Don’t you wonder if people who share your name also share your likes and dislikes and if there are similarities between you? I do. I’m freakishly inquisitive by nature and about this.
I friended (as of this evening), 30 Katie Schwartz’s on Facebook. Only two have accepted my request, argh. I’m hoping more accept. Below is the questionnaire I’m going to send them via Facebook.
Is it too over the top for an introduction? Should I consider foreplay, like “Hi, how are you, nice to meet you.” and stop there to wait for a response before delving into the below Q’s?
- Is your given name Katie Schwartz?
- How old are you?
- Where did you grow up?
- Did you move around a lot as a kid?
- Are your parents married or divorced?
- What do you do for a living?
- How many siblings do you have?
- What’s your favorite color?
- Do you have nightmares?
- Do you like dark comedy?
- What’s your sexual orientation?
- Did you ever have feathered hair?
- Is your hair dark or light?
- Is your hair naturally curly or straight?
- How tall are you?
- Are you thin or chunky but funky?
- Have you struggled with weight during your life?
- Do you have a thyroid disease? If so, what kind?
- Do you have a genetic autoimmune disease?
- Where is your family originally from?
- What religion were you born into?
- Is your family loud and gregarious or quiet?
If anyone has any suggestions, by all means, toss em’ my way.
