Are You There God, It’s Me, Katie
The other day, I asked God for a face-to-face. He was only too happy to oblige. He’s such a mensch, that God.
Considering it had been a while, I decided to kick off the occasion with an earthy Cabernet. He wanted Pinot, I suggested that he turn the Cabernet into Pinot, so he did. Easy peasy.
Me being me, I also had to throw a bit of a spread. Nothing fancy, various cheeses, fresh bread and Danish butter (his favorite). God was so delighted, he reclined on my couch and draped his legs on my ottoman while angels fed him. Must be nice to have assistants.
He knew why I called this “Sit down”. That God is such an intuit. He doesn’t even require Tarot cards or pendulums. Must be liberating to know everything, you know?
In between bites, he said “Katie, I know you’re irked about the right wing zealots and Islamic supremacists carrying out their intolerance and hateful, murderous campaigns in my name.”
I interrupted, “God, are you new? Irked borders flip. I’m enraged.”
He rolled his eyes and continued “Yeah, I was trying to avoid the “0-90″ out the gate. But, you being you, well… it’s kind of unavoidable.”
“Spill it, toots. Aren’t you disgusted? Don’t you want it to stop? Why haven’t you whacked these freaks or given them the plague? I’d put a pox on them. Oh, yes, I would.”, I wailed.
After shh’ng me (he shh’d me. The nerve), he calmly answered, “Katie Louie Channa Challelahea Schwartz, there are so many schmucks in this world. Are you new? (throwing my words in my face, nicely done) These people do things in my name because they’re evil, stupid, douche-bag, fuck-heads. Of course it pisses me off. I loathe them. I despise what they stand for. They’re intolerant sickos. Speaking of, I thoroughly enjoyed Michael Moore’s documentary “Sicko”. These right wing, hypocritical zealots and the Bin Ladens of the world; they bastardize my words to serve their own twisted purposes. I’m as outraged as you are. What I can promise you is that when they die, they go to an unimaginable hell, after what feels like an eternity of watching a video I make for each, portraying their egregious offenses. By the way, my videos go crazy viral in multi-national heavens. Why they think they’re going to a heaven filled with virgins, I’ll never know. Oy, they’re so meshuga. Come to think of it, I don’t believe there are any “of age” virgins in either world.”
Don’t you love that God curses?
Conversations with God has nothin’ on this mother fuckin’ conversation.
LOL, I am so stuck on the twitter and the facebook I sometimes forget to read blogs– and look what I miss! Love it.
I was wondering if there was more t the conversatio? It was short enough to be one of those two-ply text messages, tweets or chat messages. You know, each person doesn’t really want to talk, the original message might be out of courtesy as might be the reply with some resignational over tones, then your done. Message strand deleted, to the wayside.
I try and talk to God and what I get is a message that speaks of opportunity. Consider this; a person prays for courage. Why should he be given something that can only be earned? Thusly, the answer from God might come on the evening he is taking a walk and comes across a house fire! Does he walk away spiting God because his prayer hadn’t been answered in a timely enough manner
In that moment, a decision is made; walk away spiting God for not giving you courage in time to save
I was wondering if there was more t the conversatio? It was short enough to be one of those two-ply text messages, tweets or chat messages. You know, each person doesn’t really want to talk, the original message might be out of courtesy as might be the reply with some resignational over tones, then your done. Message strand deleted, to the wayside.
I try and talk to God and what I get is a message that speaks of opportunity. Consider this; a person prays for courage. Why should he be given something that can only be earned? Thusly, the answer from God might come on the evening he is taking a walk and comes across a house fire! Does he walk away smiting God because his prayer hadn’t been answered in a timely enough manner, and so couldn’t rescue any stuck in the burning house, not yet engulfed in flames. OR…does he instantly react and kick down that door, rescuing Goldy Locks, the three bears, and the bowls, all filled to the.brim with porridge? Full of courage and profound love for God? What were we talking about…?
In that moment, a decision is made; walk away spiting God for not giving you courage in time to save
I was wondering if there was more t the conversatio? It was short enough to be one of those two-ply text messages, tweets or chat messages. You know, each person doesn’t really want to talk, the original message might be out of courtesy as might be the reply with some resignational over tones, then your done. Message strand deleted, to the wayside.
Does he walk away smiting God because his prayer hadn’t been answered in a timely enough manner, and so couldn’t rescue any stuck in the burning house, not yet engulfed in flames. OR…does he instantly react and kick down that door, rescuing Goldy Locks, the three bears, and the bowls, all filled to the.brim with porridge? Full of courage and profound love for God? What were we talking about?