In the month of August, I got a record number of emails for another katiegirl@gmail.com. Shall we discuss them? Why yes, I think we should.
Let’s begin with the 3 Onsies I purchased for the phantom baby I’m giving birth to in Hoboken, NJ. To be clear, I wouldn’t purchase this Onsie for my worst enemy, much less the non-existent fruit residing in my own loins.
I was accepted into Louisiana University’s Cheer Camp and invited to North hill to fill out the forms to begin my cheer career. With so much to cheer about, I’m not sure where to shove my pom-poms first. Up the asses of the right wing regime for their stupidity regarding Universal Health Care, or the health care system for charging me 0ver 28K in medical expenses with insurance, or the Superior Court of LA for summoning my Jew x 4 tuchas to Jury Duty. Let’s face it, I was born to fucking cheer. I’m the peppiest-perkapalooza there is, ready to cheer my fat ass off.
Bill, a married fellah, sent me pictures of his naked ass replete with an S&Mee cock and ball set up (from behind). I graciously emailed him back and explained that I was the wrong Katie. Of course, he emailed me to apologize. 5-minutes later, he explained that he was signed up for a swinger’s website and, even though I was the wrong Katie, would I be interested in swinging with him. I emailed him back and said, “Second hand cock I might consider, but third hand cock is just wrong on too many levels.”
I bought tickets, great tickets, to the Madonna concert in NYC, that was fun. My fourth row seats didn’t seem to matter, even in Los Angeles, she still looked fabulous.
I Western Unioned money to someone in China.
I created a new gmail address, something to the effect of, ImsocuteImdrippinginannoyingcuteness@gmail.com.
I bought a dinette with 4 chairs in Minnesota.
I bought 15 meat laden pizzas for a sports party in Iowa.
I bought software from 3 different companies.
A friend gifted me a Beauty and the Beat Makeover from Disney, just what I always wanted, a gift from Mouschwitz.
The United Methodist Church invited me to an Affordable Housing Seminar at their church in the Jubilee Hall. Coffee and doughnuts were promised afterwards. Being homeless, I’m still trying to figure out, how I received an evite. I suppose that’s not terribly relevant.
My husband sent flowers to his girlfriend, but accidentally emailed his wife. Reading the subtext of his email, he was oozing guilt… That was fun, to witness, I mean.
Oh, silly me, I’m getting married and I’ve converted to Christianity. I hope you can make it!
My IRB proposal was accepted by the Chair at Point Loma Nazarene University. I’m real proud of that.
Apparently I live in Medina and have dirt on River Styxx, but was always thought of as a city girl.
Peggy, a banker/Realtor in Ohio approved my loan for a home, yay.
Ken, the chair of Continuing Education & Training APHL sent me about 50 severely nature oriented pictures from his hike.
Suzy/Sydney miss me terribly.
Loved this one…
stop txtin Adam he dose not want u to txt him any more
–
LUV DANCE AND JON AND KATE PLUS 8
What scares me the most is that the above email isn’t from a teenager.
Though, I think this one is.
hi katie i got a new email to get away from two girls ttyl
When I explained to the child that I was not the right Katie, he emailed me back and told me he was bored and asked if I would be interested in talking to him. No.
And finally, I got yet an email from the MormAgains recruiting me, not the first or the second, or the third. No, this was the 20th email. After many kind requests to stop, I was so frustrated, I sent this:
For the love of GOD, Shane;
How many times do I have to beg you to stop emailing me?! This is the hundreth time you’ve e-stalked me. I have begged you to stop on numerous occasions.
If I’m not getting emailed from the Morm-agains, I’m getting emails from the Born-Again’s, and I really need it to stop, please. I’m JEWISH and proud of it. We’re a tolerant people, as are many Christians and other religious sects. Speaking for myself, we skew liberal, support a woman’s right to choose abortion, embryonic stem cell research, freedom of speech, equality under the constitution for -breathe- homosexuals, among other things, all of which are God’s way.
When you learn tolerance and actually practice what you preach, you are welcome to email me. Until then, you’re not.
Do we have a meeting of the minds? Are we good? I trust you’ll let me know.
Sincerely,
Katie Schwartz
Image courtesy of Château Thom
