Category: Non-Fiction Essays by Katie Schwartz

Recent Posts

Recent Work for 2017

recent work 2017 political essays, humor essays by katie schwartzRecent work includes a lot of political essays at Mock Paper Scissors and Huffington Post. Recent humor essays can be found via The American Bystander, a quarterly print magazine that every comedy nerd should buy ASAPY.

Mock Paper Scissors/Huffington Post

The American Bystander

I’m in pre-production on comedy shorts and pilots. I will spill as these projects evolve.

You’d Think Owning a Pure Breed Dog Wouldn’t be so Felonious

But it is… very, especially in LA. This week in, I Don’t Drink Nearly As Much As I Should, I’m hocking about my experience owning a pure breed dog and the hell that broke loose with people who rescue dogs. Hello, allergies – doesn’t count for shit. Give it a read […]

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New Essay on HuffingtonPost: Morning, Mourning Glory

the second essay of my column, I Don’t Drink Nearly As Much As I Should is live on HuffingtonPost. Excerpt below…

Around this time last year, I was in excruciating pain, and thought, either my womb is going to explode like a volcano or rush through my flange at warp speed. I ran — like a dawg — to my fabulous OB/GYN. We had only begun smear dating a few months earlier. He’s a brilliant, funny and unbelievably kind doctor/person, especially considering I’m no snatch picnic. [Click me for more]
 
Thanks for reading and sharing, peach cobblers

The Origin of, Rescue Me

 

1940s paul robeson

Apparently, I wrote this essay in 2004 because I just got notification that someone left a comment on BlogCritics.org. How it got there, I can’t say. An abridged version made its way to Six Sentences (thanks, 6S).

I am so fucking over people who rescue dogs. I swear, they treat pure breed owners like it’s a crime to buy versus save. Hello, ALLERGIES – Oh, and fuck me for not wanting some neurotic, skittish, was tied to a tree for a month, canine, that pees on you every time you pet him and shits on the floor when you make eye contact.

What does the mongrel do for an encore?

Bite himself until he bleeds, or bang his head against the wall, but only the wall in the foyer. The one right across from the front door with a gaping imprint of his jacked head so your friends think you’re a dog beater.

The conversations rescuers engage in with other rescuers are even more offensive than the act of adoption. “We don’t know how old she is, but she’s missing an eye and has cataracts in her good eye, poor thing. She’s deaf and she can’t bark because someone severed her vocal chords. Isn’t that so awful?”

Just what I always wanted, the Helen Keller of Canines!

Hearing this, of course, sets the other rescuer into, “I’m about to trump your rescue”, mode.

“We got ours a year ago. So sad, the tumors jutting out of her mouth can’t be removed. She’s missing several teeth because of it, and her hind legs are lame. But how cute is she in her mini wheelchair?! She’s also got arthritis in her front legs and suffers from mange. But we love her.”

Are you fucking kidding me?! The Elephant Canine – A dog that scares small children and makes adults lose their appetite. What a great addition to the family. Can’t wait to see your annual holiday photo, featuring, CREEPY –

It’s as if rescuing the most impaled looking creature you can find has become a status symbol. What’s next, a black market for severely inbred, retarded canines? Or will Pounds only accept bastards with disease, shock therapy treatment under their collar and, or, but not limited to, noticeable scarring, lesions and bulbous protrusions?

I don’t see these seemingly philanthropic rescuers apply this to dating. When was the last time you saw a personal ad that read, “SWF seeks blind diabetic with a lisp and one testicle. Those with sleep apnea, conspicuous neurosis and adjunct disorders preferred.” Or, “SWM seeks frumpy, grossly obese, diseased woman with rancid smelling feet?”

When rescuers learn that your dog is a pure breed, they go all sullen and judgmental. Repeating THEIR dog is a RESCUE at least 50 fucking times wanting you to walk away cloaked in shame and guilt for slaughtering hundreds of perfectly loving dogs. Loving?!

I’ve arrived at the conclusion that these heroes for hounds are just fad whores. After adopting Chinese babies became passé, something had to replace it – Fortunately, the hopeless hound is conveniently located in every town USA, and free. I can’t help but wonder what’s next? Maybe some reproductive enthusiast will come up with a new breed, SNATS – Snakes breed with cats, or Aliots – Alligators with parrots. What could possibly top a scaly, flying loud mouth? Besides me, of course.

Exquisite Corpse Publishes Homesick Abortion, Written by, Katie Schwartz

I have had an ongoing love affair with Exquisite Corpse for years. They are one of my favorite literary journals online. Every morsel is dark and twisted, and poignant, and so, well, exquisitely life affirming. For years, I wished and hoped to have my work published in the Corpse. Well, it’s happened as of today.

I love the intro… A woman’s relationship with her abortion, a verbatim report from the depths. Please check out my essay, Homesick Abortion on Exquisite Corpse. While you’re there, please check out some of the letters and poems – not one of them will disappoint.

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