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May, 2009

  1. I Love You, Now Listen

    May 28, 2009 by Katie Schwartz

    First of all, I will get all of my peeps link posted. I am linkdating with a lot of you. Give me a few days, at least until next week. Can we do that, please? Is that fair? Fabulous.

    Okay, I have an announcement and I am hoping you will hear me, please. Dear Thyroid just received our first family of letters. I am asking you to hop on over and read them. Posting them brought me to tears, really. This family’s strength and love for each other will take your wig off. As you know, I have Graves’ disease, well, so does this incredibly brave woman, Rachel. Of course her letter amazed me. Similarly, to read her family’s letter to Rachel’s thyroid and see what was taken from them because of her disease – alls I can tell you is that I was in tears while I posted each. I implore you to read them.

    Have I hocked enough? Okay, here are the links:

    Dear Thyroid, I will be the last one standing, not you (Rachel’s letter)

    Christopher’s letter to his wife Rachel’s thyroid

    Susan’s letter to her daughter, Rachel’s thyroid

    Love,

    Me


  2. A Bragging Rights Shit

    May 25, 2009 by Katie Schwartz

    For three days, I have been bunged up like an overly stuffed red pepper. I think I have to attribute this to my hummus addiction, which I have now stopped OCDeating for fear that I’ll find my human ass in the hands of a veterinarian begging him to express my anal glands.

    I can see it now, Schwartz on all fours atop a silver table while a cheek spreading tool is inserted, as a vet digs his made-for-canine claws into my rectum. Lovely.

    My ass feels like a sausage casing ready to spontaneously combust. Similarly, my stomach is distended, out to the moon, really, only exacerbating my shituation.

    I’m officially in ASS HELL.

    Sure, I can blow a harmonious tune from the twin cheeks that would make Beethoven jealous, but I can’t seem to go the distance. I need an asstastic movement that will do my porcelain goddess proud and severely piss my cunting neighbors off.

    What the fuck? I thought being vegan meant I’d be as regular as Sands through the Hour Glass. I thought garbanzo beans; beans being the operative word, would yield a rectalrific experience. Fuckin ell was I wrong.

    If there is a rectal God, I have news:

    Dear Rectal God:

    Thank you for your time, I appreciate it. Real quick, I promise.

    I know you’re busy with other asses, but I am begging you to move heaven and earth for my Jewass.

    In reciprocity, because I’m an ardent fan of give and take relationships, I will give you a shout out on my blog, so everyone knows how assalicious you can be and that all it takes is a friendly request.

    What do you think? Are you in?

    Love,

    Katie Schwartz

    PS: To be clear, I’m the Jewish Katie Schwartz from New York living in Los Angeles, the writer. I knit, speaking of; I can knit you a hat. Would you like a hat? I’m also the vintage tchoch collector. You can’t miss me in a crowd. I temporarily skew Jew x 4, and have dark brown hair. I’m always in glasses. Am I ringing a bell?


  3. What the Fuck, Katie Schwartz

    May 25, 2009 by Katie Schwartz

    Change, though not always planned, doesn’t have to suck the ass of a geriatric patient with bleeding hemorrhoids. That being said — Schwartzy has a new joint. BREATHE. I’ve decided to consolidate. I’m not giving up All The Way From Oy To Vey, NEVAH. Thanks to Crionaberry, that’s where my blogventure began. The Vey is home to three years of my life with my near and dear online and offline friends. We’ve laughed, cried, and lived super out loud there, so it ain’t goin’ nowhere.

    However, BREATHE, I will be blogging here now. Still breathing? Great. I need a central website, one place where I can blog and also update what’s going on in my writing life and with Dear Thyroid, which (knock wood), seems to be really moving its story forward (yahoo), etc. etc. etc. With the help of Bit Depth, if he can stand my ass painery, I’ll map my domain KatieSchwartz.com to WordPress properly.

    So, why haven’t I blogged in close to a month? Fuck me and suck my ovaries, what a month this has been, seriously. Mostly good, mind you. Some if it overwhelming.

    Let’s start with the fucktardaree that is my home life, shall we? I am officially living in Moushewitz. My kitchen wall is shared with psycho Cindy who now scratches the walls when she smells anything to her disliking coming from my apartment. To be clear, I collect and wear gorgeous perfumes — sorry, but it’s true. I do not burn incense. I have been known on occasion to light a scented candle, but not often. The building next door is a few feet away. Off my kitchen window, we have Saphareena and her mother, cunteralla. Convinced that I stare into her windows, which is impossible unless I have X-ray vision, considering she has thick curtains covering her windows, has resurrected two HUGE 3 ft long plywood barriers with slats in them. Why, yes, it does resemble the haunting vision of a train en route to Auschwitz. Between the scratching and that, I’m done. I can’t run fast enough. For the past two weeks, I’ve been house hunting. Last night, I found a great house for rent that I’m super crazy about. I’ll keep ya’s posted. I think I’m done with neighbors and need some space from people in a home setting. Rents have dropped like mad, yo! I hope to be outta here by mid-June, July 1st at the latest.

    Up next, I’m down 45 pounds (still a sphere), and my thyroid has now been balanced for 3-months straight, yay. Love Endogirl, she’s tits to the tenth. I’m mentally and physically healthy, so there’s that. Things are going a-okay. I think I’m on the right track. If you click here and scroll down, you’ll get the gist of what’s doing.

    Oh, before I forget, I will be adding all of the links on The Vey, to this blog. If I inadvertently leave anyone out, spill. I want every one of my peeps here with me. Kindly start linkdating with me here, please?

    Helen Wheels of Just Ain’t Right fame, who also happens to be one hell of an amazing woman, I’m not kidding, helped me out of a canine sitch, which I am eternally grateful to her for. She also told me about movies at cemeteries that I’m now jonesing to attend.

    I’m grossly inappropriately behind on my blog reading, I am so sorry. I will catch up.

    The Three Dames With A Clue show was a smashing success. I’ll be posting about that tomorrow, I hope, with pictures and all. We’ll also be announcing June’s show. I also met Dusty from the Siren Chronicles, she’s tits.

    Other things that have kept me busy, well, getting out of seclusion and back into my life…

    I have missed you all terribly. Thanks for not breaking up with me. I’ve tweeted with a few of you, Frannygirl, Utah and Grainylish, and I’ve e-dished with Cormac, Jin, Zipgirl, Bubbsie.

    A proper post about Lewch is forthcoming, along with an interview with my cousin, Dorian, the edgiest artist in San Francisco.


  4. Sprawling Creativity at the Compound

    May 24, 2009 by Katie Schwartz

     

    When Bubbsie was here with Nora for the Fangoria Spookesmodel Competition, I had the privilege of noshing with them at Junior’s restaurant in Westwood.

    I met Bubbsie, Nora and his youngest daughter at Pilcrow Lit Fest last year. We’d been e-buds and blog buds for about a year.

    After meeting the majority of the Bubbsie clan, I fell in love with them. They’re the most creative, talented family. Bubbsie not only blogs Sprawling Ramshackle Compound, he’s also a published writer at Farmhouse Magazine and 6S, to name a few. Nora is a horror make-up artist with mad skills, lemme tell ya, this broad is the horror diva of doom. Out of respect for Bubbsie’s youngest daughter’s privacy, “H”, I won’t discuss her, except to say, that she’s equally extraordinary. Though I haven’t met Miz Bubs, I am dying to meet her. I know we’d be insta-bff’s. She makes jewelry! She gave Bubbsie the most gorgeous necklace and earrings, to give to me that I am still plotzing over. See? Stunning, right? I hope she sells her jewels. I would love to buy her jewelry.

    Do you believe this family?!