Category: Observational Humor

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A Letter to Bactrim

yeast infection

Dear Antibiotics—

Hat tip to a successful partnership; you did a very comprehensive job. Not every antibiotic takes their work as seriously as you do. Not once did you slack off or pass responsibility to another medication.

In advance, thank you for answering the quiz I sent you on Friday. I like to get to know the personality of medications I need to take. We’ve never worked together, yet we were thrown into each other’s lives.

Let’s begin, shall we?

1. What is your gender?
a. Gender neutral

2. Which of these is most important to you? Career, education, marriage, or sleep?
a. Definitely career, Type-A, bordering on obsession.

3. When you see someone fall, you: help them, ask if they’re okay, or steal their money?
a. Help with a caveat. I come expensive or not at all. So, you’re a luxury, cash cow antibiotic?

4. You’re at a party and a fight breaks out, you: Join the fight and kick some ass, cry because someone might get hurt, or talk sense into the fighters.
a. This Anti-B isn’t a pussy. I drag my large, proverbial horse cock or Shenis into the ring and destroy everyone. Seems a bit excessive.

5. Your alarm goes off and you’re late for work, you: lie, claiming you stopped to help someone, tell the truth, or you charm your way out of it?
a. I don’t need an alarm. Yes, I’m that good. I am a charismatic bacteria killing machine. Are you familiar with humility? Consider adding it to your vocabulary.

6. You’re at a conference for women’s reproductive rights and two people in front of you won’t stop talking, you: Do nothing, change seats, or ask them nicely to be quiet?
a. Are you kidding me with these questions, Schwartz? I bust my ass for you and I’m subjected to this lame ass quiz?! It’s like you’re bringing a hanger to an abortion clinic with new vacuums. Whatever- I tell them if they don’t shut the fuck up, I will suck the lactobacillus acidophilus out of their systems and gift them with enough yeast to supply every bagel shop and bodega in New York. My fondness for you is waning.

7. What type of movie were you in? Romance, comedy, or action?
a. Romance. I love oral. Action, too. I fight to win.

8. If you want to impress your date, you take them to which of these restaurants, Chuck E Cheese, a bar, or the most expensive place in town?
a. Um, we just went a round, so you know I need to be wined and dined, not the other way around.

9. What is your ideal job? Nurse, CEO, or cartoonist?
a. (Audible sigh) CEO. Obviously.

10. Your phone rings and it’s a telemarketer, You think they’re nice and ask them out, hang up on them, or berate them?
a. Berate the mother fucking shit of them.

11. What website are you most likely to visit? CNN, Monster, or BuzzFeed?
a. MSNBC over CNN. Monster? I’m never out of work! BoingBoing over BuzzFeed.

12. If you could be on a TV show, which would you choose? The Apprentice, American Idol, or Jeopardy?
a. Jeopardy. And, I’d win.

13. What would be your ideal vacation? Italy, Mexico, or Walt Disney World?
a. Mexico. I LOVE Mexican food!

14. If you could be any pet, which would you be? Dog, parrot, or monkey?
a. Lobster

Thanks. Now, let’s discuss your parting gift, a savage yeast infection. I’m aware of my vagina. Do you know what that means?

Although, you were thorough, I don’t appreciate surprises, especially when they are packaged as infections.

In closing, I hope our paths never cross again. If they do, I’ll be sure to get a Diflucan shooter.

Sincerely Yours,

Transvadge Apocalypose


One of my favorite literary publications, Monkeybicycle has granted me the opportunity to write a new essay series about the surreal happenings in my oddly wonderful life.

Please give “Transvadge Apocalypse” a read. Be sure to check out Monkeybicycle’s other writers, books and podcast.

Thank you, MB, I heart you so much!

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