The Origin of, Rescue Me


1940s paul robeson

Apparently, I wrote this essay in 2004 because I just got notification that someone left a comment on How it got there, I can’t say. An abridged version made its way to Six Sentences (thanks, 6S).

I am so fucking over people who rescue dogs. I swear, they treat pure breed owners like it’s a crime to buy versus save. Hello, ALLERGIES – Oh, and fuck me for not wanting some neurotic, skittish, was tied to a tree for a month, canine, that pees on you every time you pet him and shits on the floor when you make eye contact.

What does the mongrel do for an encore?

Bite himself until he bleeds, or bang his head against the wall, but only the wall in the foyer. The one right across from the front door with a gaping imprint of his jacked head so your friends think you’re a dog beater.

The conversations rescuers engage in with other rescuers are even more offensive than the act of adoption. “We don’t know how old she is, but she’s missing an eye and has cataracts in her good eye, poor thing. She’s deaf and she can’t bark because someone severed her vocal chords. Isn’t that so awful?”

Just what I always wanted, the Helen Keller of Canines!

Hearing this, of course, sets the other rescuer into, “I’m about to trump your rescue”, mode.

“We got ours a year ago. So sad, the tumors jutting out of her mouth can’t be removed. She’s missing several teeth because of it, and her hind legs are lame. But how cute is she in her mini wheelchair?! She’s also got arthritis in her front legs and suffers from mange. But we love her.”

Are you fucking kidding me?! The Elephant Canine – A dog that scares small children and makes adults lose their appetite. What a great addition to the family. Can’t wait to see your annual holiday photo, featuring, CREEPY –

It’s as if rescuing the most impaled looking creature you can find has become a status symbol. What’s next, a black market for severely inbred, retarded canines? Or will Pounds only accept bastards with disease, shock therapy treatment under their collar and, or, but not limited to, noticeable scarring, lesions and bulbous protrusions?

I don’t see these seemingly philanthropic rescuers apply this to dating. When was the last time you saw a personal ad that read, “SWF seeks blind diabetic with a lisp and one testicle. Those with sleep apnea, conspicuous neurosis and adjunct disorders preferred.” Or, “SWM seeks frumpy, grossly obese, diseased woman with rancid smelling feet?”

When rescuers learn that your dog is a pure breed, they go all sullen and judgmental. Repeating THEIR dog is a RESCUE at least 50 fucking times wanting you to walk away cloaked in shame and guilt for slaughtering hundreds of perfectly loving dogs. Loving?!

I’ve arrived at the conclusion that these heroes for hounds are just fad whores. After adopting Chinese babies became passé, something had to replace it – Fortunately, the hopeless hound is conveniently located in every town USA, and free. I can’t help but wonder what’s next? Maybe some reproductive enthusiast will come up with a new breed, SNATS – Snakes breed with cats, or Aliots – Alligators with parrots. What could possibly top a scaly, flying loud mouth? Besides me, of course.

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