No Shortage Of Stuffing Pie Hole Here, Metaphorically Speaking

I broke up with J Crew, but we got back together.

I’ve noticed that a lot of Born Agains are starting to follow me on Twitter. To be clear, I don’t mean Christians or Catholics, I mean Zealarellas (zealots). I’m wondering… What part of me screams save me?

One broad told me that she loved everyone. Shocked, I asked everyone, I mean, every single person?! Yes, everyone, and with conviction. In 140 characters, I couldn’t go into detail, so I will here. While I think it’s a lovely, altruistic notion to love everyone, in my mind, it’s literally impossible.

I don’t love George Bush or what he did to this country and I think he should be tried for war crimes, along with his sick fuck side kick, Dick Cheney and Donald bottoming-for-Bush-and-loving-it Rumsfeld, et al. I don’t love the people cock blocking Universal Health Care from passing. They’re willing to spend our tax dollars on weapons, but not our health?! Can you spell fucktardsquared?! I don’t love hard core republicans. In fact, I hate what they stand for. I don’t love doctors who mistreat their patients and lie to them. I don’t love insurance companies — I hate them. I don’t love murderers, pedophiles, or rapists. I don’t love assholics. I don’t love people who embrace censorship and who want the government to determine what’s appropriate for me to view, listen to, and read. I don’t love people who want to infringe on my choice to have an abortion. My list is endless and I won’t bore you with it, but you get the gist of what I’m saying. I think love is a gift. I couldn’t love everyone, not because I’m a hate junky. It’s simply unrealistic.

Another person told me that if I didn’t follow him back, I wouldn’t be saved from Armageddon. If I don’t believe in Armageddon, how will his 140 character tweets save me? What am I missing? Oh, did I mention that I’m a Jew? Aren’t we the chosen ones at the minute, the gateway or something? I can’t remember. I’ll have to email The Postal Service of the Saved for clarification.

Someone else assured me that it wasn’t too late to be Born Again. Thanks. But, I’m willing to take my chances, I said.

Why can’t I be a Jew? Perhaps that’s the issue I have with this lot of followers, intolerance and a lack of regard for my beliefs. Everything is cloaked in a threat, if you don’t, than you won’t. I digress… I intolerance.

Now, let’s discuss the rectal warfare that took place in my intestines last Friday morning. My intestines weren’t arguing, they were waging “Shock and Awe”, careening towards my pucker pellet at the speed of light. I still can’t figure out why or what I ate that made my intestines have a, yes I’m going to go 80’s on your ass, COW. Everything came out just dandy, thanks for asking. Though, for a moment I thought that my intestines were going to fly out of my tuchas. Fortunately, we’re still together.

Friday, I was at Cedars for blood work and there was no fucking parking. One of the lots closed due to construction. I have never seen so many cars trying to get into parking lots in my life. LA drivers don’t give a shit about who is behind them. They stop in the middle of the road, la-de-da’ng on the phone or talking to someone on the sidewalk, even though you’re behind them with ten other shmucks. Please, in NY, in less than a minute, baseball bats would be smashing these cars.

After 30 minutes, I was ready to shoot myself (that would’ve cost a bundle, so I passed). Mind you, it only took me 10 minutes to get there. I finally found a lot that I was able to squeeze into, though it was a valet lot, I was Despy Desperalla and her twin sister Tranta Gavant.

This super homeless guy, like scale of 1-10, definitely a 10 on the homelessesque scale, approaches me and says, “I’ll take your car.”

Right. Cause I’m stupid.

Meanwhile, there’s a guy in the booth at the valet stand, wearing a white shirt with the name of the p-lot co. on it and I was trying to get his attention. Homeless guy says, “What? You don’t trust me? Give me your car!”

I kindly asked him to unzip his jacket and show me his shirt. If it was the same as the guy’s standing in the booth, great, I would’ve given him my car. Most valets don’t sit on the ground with their dressers duffel bags.

He says, “Why I gotta unzip my jacket? I wouldn’t ask you to take your shirt off.”

Um. Okay, let’s review. I’m now late for my blood draw. I need to get it done. I’ve been driving in circles for 30 minutes with shitty drivers who want to be FIRST, FIRST, FIRST. I’m profoundly irritated.

“In this situation, I believe I’m entitled to ask to see your shirt before I hand you the keys to my car.” I said.

He responds by saying “You don’t trust me because I’m black. You’re a racist.”


Cedars security came out, and instead of asking what the problem was, he exacerbated the issue by telling us to take it elsewhere. Seriously, hospital-mall-cop?!

I ended up at another lot because I bribed the gatekeeper with a $20 to get me in.

You’d think I was trying to get into some hot restaurant, not that a $20 would cut it, but you get where this is going, right? Right.

Caitlin will not stop emailing me. All week, I’ve been receiving emails from her:



Hey, I analyzed the name ‘caitlin’ using the iPhone Name Analyzer.

It means:








Seriously?! This improves the quality of my life?

Someone signed me up for as Justice4Ever. I can create my own buddy and join the city. The site is for tweeners at best, so of course I’m a perfect fit. I’m sure they’d welcome Justice4Ever calling CutsieTeenyTot snatch for moving into my crib and boosting my gluten free pretzels.

This concludes my rant fest.

If you haven’t read @SoyGoy‘s interview, check it out. Coming up next, Elissa Stein and her new book FLOW, followed by, In The Belly Of The Fail Whale. I’m plotzarella.


  1. That whole saved business is a whole lot of fuckery indeed. It is about some individualistic “I’m better than you” bullshit.

    I was getting a stomach ache reading about that parking mishegos – what tsouris. The velvet rope of getting into Cedars; LA is a tough town.

    We so need to dish. Good news – I had all my medical tests. Pretty good news – I am in generally good health. Fucked up news – one billing code gone wrong impacted all my billing and now I owe something like $3000 and have to spend more time and energy arguing with the insurance company (who are often nicer) and doctor and hospital billing offices than I have time for.

    Oh Katie I am so happy to see this post. Sorry for the bullshit, but happy to see you.

  2. Shit, I’m going down to The Ivy and playing the race card. I’m going to get a Lexus-hybrid, bay-by!

    Of course I’m the valet, jhorts (jean shorts) and Led Zeppelin t-shirts are our new uniforms!

    Oh, and mind you, this is just a small cross-sampling, because I couldn’t run all over the country, administering sodium pentathol to all the Bore-agains.

    Jews that Bore-agains are obsessed with to the point of stalking, but don’t want to admit to it:

    1) Jerry Seinfeld
    2) Katie Schwartz
    3) Seth Rogen
    4) Adam Sandler
    5) Larry King

    Note, you that you have displaced Sarah Silverman, and that she will not be happy…watch yer back. Notice also that you are the only one without a show or movie out.

    Note also that I had to listen to a lot of nonsense to get this information, including how those aren’t sixes on Dubya’s neck, but “a skin condition.”

  3. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by katieschwartz and katieschwartz, Hannah Reim. Hannah Reim said: RT @katieschwartz: @Reimsterartist Thanks, babes. How is your weekend going? Hmmm. There's this Hopefully u … […]

  4. Have you thought about Amway and vertical marketing…

    Nice rant, my little C-word-ling. I always learn such new vocabulary and usage everytime you post something. Rectal Warfare is going on my Reader’s Digest “Improve your Vocabulary” list today.



  5. Hello dear, love your fight with the “parking attendant.” I’ve been about that angry enough to go off on some poor schmuck’s ass too, many times.

    As for the Kristian love-fest, you should watch the Kathy Bates movie “Unconditional Love” if you have not seen it. Good message – that love IS indeed conditional. I’m with ya there.

  6. Woo! What a sensational rant!
    Allow me to add to it. There’s an interstate highway in Texas called IH35 and it runs from San Antonio to Austin on up.
    I drive it frequently and lemme tell you, those fucking fucks in their pickup trucks and mini vans and Chevy Cavaliers drive 60 in the fucking fast lane.
    Then when you pass them on the right, they glare at you like *you’re* the asshole.
    I got so frustrated driving home from Thanksgiving in Austin, I ended up going Autobahn on those nitwits by flashing my headlights at them and making the ‘move over’ gesture.
    A couple of rednecks in a Dodge 3500 dooley with another pickup on their flatbed took umbrage and started flipping me off and crowding me as I tried to pass them.
    So I just hauled off and called 911, and the cops came after them after I told them the guys were drunk and weaving all over and running other drivers off the road.
    They immediately exited after they saw me on the phone. Chicken shits!
    Whew. I feel better now.

  7. Jay

    I know you said you had a long list that you wouldnt go into but how could you not mention the Banks at the top of your list?!?! I actually sold my soul for a while and worked for one. I never felt so pointless and useless to society in my life. And I think Ms. Unconditional Love Everyone Lady needs to work within the corporate business side of the banks to see first hand that ‘love’ gets sucked out of you at the door as you walk in.
    On a side note…I hate fabric stores because I can actually feel my testosterone being vaporized, its horrible!

  8. Still giggling over “purple hemaphrodite gnome.”

    This makes me think I’ll have to blog about my experiences with the born-agains. They engage me in conversation about Jesus, I tell them my beliefs, and they walk away dumbfounded. Probably because I didn’t curse them out.

  9. Who the hell has the capacity to love everyone??? That would be spreading it alwfully thin in my book.

    And can I borrow “Zealarellas?” LOVE IT!

  10. Zelda

    Hey Katie,

    Long time no see your website! I lost the address somehow. I’m so glad I found it tonight. I love your rant. Regarding the “Zealarellas,” I learned a long time ago that it’s completely useless to try to reason with them. “Reason” is not in their vocabularies. Their brain cells have been commandeered by blind faith, and logic slides by like water off a duck’s back.

    As for the “parking attendant” (ahem), good for you for not getting sucked into the racist accusation trap. I did, more than once, in my young and foolish days, and was darned sorry about it. Nowadays, I just tell everyone who irritates me to FUCK OFF!!!

  11. omg, my life feel awfully dull in comparison to your trials, Katie. But, all of a sudden, dull looks alright to me. Sorry about the tards on Twitter: stupidity reaching new depths in this nation. So good to read you again. Love your rants.

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