I would…

1. Play with them all day regardless of who was watching, my hand would spend so much time in my pants, I’d have to charge it rent
2. I’d treat them like marbles and ping-pong balls
3. I’d play with them in front of old ladies
4. I’d sit in restaurants spread eagle and watch people’s reactions while I was sack-plunging
5. I’d unzip my pants and let them hang out every so often for fresh air and a spot of color (always in search of a vitamin D boost)
6. I’d nickname them, something manly like “Jimmy the butcher and Vinny the neck:
7. I’d give them literary nicknames like “Bukowski and Vonnegut”

Whether I’m in a conversation or happen to be eavesdropping, a favorite past time. If done correctly, it’s exceptional cardio. I’ve leaned so far that I’ve fallen out of chairs—stretching my legs, neck and arms enough to pull muscles.

I have noticed that everyone has a guy for a thing, whatever that thing is, have you?

1. I need someone to install my hardwood floors. I’ve got a guy for that.
2. I’m looking for someone to fix my hairdryer. My guy is great, cheap and quick.
3. My sunroof isn’t closing properly. Hire my guy, he’s the best.
4. I need my vibrator repaired. If you don’t want to buy a new one, my guy can do it. If you let him watch, he won’t charge you.
5. Oh shit, I ran out of cash and need menstrual pads. My guy will walk around with snatchpads (towels) between your legs for 7-days; he’s super easy going and has a menses fetish.
6. I don’t feel like going super big potty right now. Pulling down my pants, undies; it all seems too daunting. Plus, the seat is cold and I don’t feel like having chilled ass at the minee. My guy has this shit laser transformer thing, it’s so cool! He basically points it at your intestines and teleports the shit from you to himself. The best part is that you feel NOTHING. Isn’t that great?! Love him—total shit-meister.
7. I need to have my gall bladder removed, but I so can’t be bothered. My insurance sucks ass. They’ll cover maybe 20%, if I get my MD to sign a 20-page document and my upper GI guy to sign a 10-page document and fax it all to Agent 5608983719042 on February 12^th @ 3:07 PM. OMG, my guy LOVES Jello. Wait for it—do you need a guy to be your MD/GI guy? I have one.

Who is your guy and what can he do for me?