Katie Schwartz » lame humor http://katieschwartz.com Comedy Writer. Philanthropist. Mr. Rogers was, is and always will be creepy. Fri, 13 Jan 2012 16:04:00 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 If I Had Testicles http://katieschwartz.com/2010/02/if-i-had-testicles/ http://katieschwartz.com/2010/02/if-i-had-testicles/#comments Mon, 08 Feb 2010 03:31:44 +0000 Katie Schwartz http://katieschwartz.com/?p=1498

I would

  1. Play with them all day regardless of who was watching, my hand would spend so much time in my pants, I’d have to charge it rent
  2. I’d treat them like marbles and ping-pong balls
  3. I’d play with them in front of old ladies
  4. I’d sit in restaurants spread eagle and watch people’s reactions while I was sack-plunging
  5. I’d unzip my pants and let them hang out every so often for fresh air and a spot of color (always in search of a vitamin D boost)
  6. I’d nickname them, something manly like Jimmy the butcher and Vinny the neck:
  7. I’d give them literary nicknames like Bukowski and Vonnegut
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