Winston Distillery is on the precipice of losing everything. The CEO, Tom and two remaining sales reps, Dick and Harry have a brainstorming session that ends in disaster.

Written by: Katie Schwartz

Directed by: Brad Lavery

Produced by: Adam Franklin

Cinematography by: Tony Stockert

Starring!!! Stirling Gardner, Jonathan Nail and Jimmy Doyle

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Sobriety Never Pays made it to the Homepage of Funny or Die. Thanks FOD, we heart you so much.

Sobriety Never Pays – Made it to the “Most Favorited of the Week” on Funny or Die! Thank you all so much for your incredible support.  

Thank you, Crooks and Liars for and “Mike’s Blog Round Up” for sharing “Sobriety Never Pays.” Thanks for all the support, Mock Paper Scissors / Tengrain

The non-sequitur post from hell?

Dish from my e-stalkers…

This, from Rylee: My dad said mabey to the sleepover but u never no a mabey is a baby to grow up to be a yes!!!

Aside from the misspellings, among other things, I’m obsessed with the comment maybe is a baby to grow up to be a yes. Does this scream pregnancy pact, Lifetime Television for women to anyone else or is it just me?

Another email from Rylee: Say hi to Josie and her dog noobie!

The dog has to be adopted; it simply can’t be a puppy. Otherwise, naming shim Noobie, lacks irony, and is misspelled. Although misspellings are common with Rylee, I take umbrage with Noobie, for some reason.

Rylee’s final email from last week: Hey Katie I miss you sooooooo much even thow I get to see you 5 times a week for practicly 1 whole year! I  think that is more times than I get to see Josie and that’s allot because after for the grade we still have a nother whole year to gow because we still have fith grade! And your not moving because you just did! Love, lol baybay – wait I don’t think that makes since

For once, Rylee is correct!

Reasoning with her at this point in our e-stalking relationship is moot. Though, I appreciate her commitment to weekly e-stalkage. Fortunately, she doesn’t have my mailing address.

Ryleee feels so very magazine-cut-outs-of-letters-sent-on-pink-paper-sprayed-with-Anais-Anais perfume. Right?! Having my olfactory’s desecrated at this stage in our relationship is a boundary I’m not ready to travel with her.

New Day Nazarene Church invited me to an Easter service with a FREE (all caps) continental breakfast. Shouldn’t the fear of God be enough?

Someone kindly ordered a Tommy Bahama – Swimsuit, Palm Print Halter On, with my email address. I question the on. Isn’t that redundant?

A few weeks ago…

Once every 6 months, my sister and I have dinner with Butter. We made a pact never to go without each other. Butter is an obstinate handful. We coined her Butter because she does butter shooters out of ramekins, in public. Call me crazy, but shouldn’t some food addictions remain in the closet?

Imagine, if you will, a 35-year-old, opinionated, uneducated, racist, homophobic, republican sundial. Her legs, stumps really, buckling from encumbering poundage. Wearing a fluorescent green mini dress, drag-queen hosiery scrunching around her knees and beige walking shoes, very Florida-shuffle-board-at-the-clubhouse. She is the authority on everything. For reals!

Dinner was, as you can imagine, hell. I wanted to spit twice and die. Butter’s boyfriend, coined FREAKO, is a girl’s dream come true. He’s a gaming addict, still married, doesn’t work and lives with his mother. He’s never met a fingernail clipper, much less a cleaner. In fact, his French Tips are the contents of eons old jet black dirt. Hot, right?! He’s a miserable son of a bitch. She is his massive ass in shining armor. In reciprocity, he gifted her with multiple STD’s. What a guy.

Present day

Follow me on Twitter to find out, yo!

]]> http://katieschwartz.com/2010/04/when/feed/ 1 http://katieschwartz.com/2010/02/are-you-sure-you-dont-want-my-email-address/ http://katieschwartz.com/2010/02/are-you-sure-you-dont-want-my-email-address/#comments Mon, 22 Feb 2010 06:21:18 +0000 Katie Schwartz http://katieschwartz.com/?p=1505

Aside from the fact that I have an eye infucktion burning my lady ball, and I’m busier than a tunnel rat foraging for a fuck, and more eggzhausted than a street walker pulling an all nighter wearing this ensemble, I’d say I’m doing mighty fine.

Let’s play the “will you please stop emailing the wrong katiegirl game”, shall we? Great!

Hey katie wua?

What is a wua? Enlighten me. I asked, but didn’t get a response. I’m thinking it’s an acronym for Wear Underwear Always. This begs the question, how do you know I don’t and why is my undergarment status of concern to you.

I was invited to a (not my words) chic champagne brunch by Queen of the Lake, in Reno. If someone can please explain what’s chic about Reno, I’d appreciate it. Having been there many times, I can’t say that it’s synonymous with chic. But, what do I know?!

Kyra screamed this into my inbox:

I invited you to chat !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I explained that I wasn’t the Katie she was looking for, to which she responded by calling me a snot. Really? I was so disillusioned by her response given her zeal to chat. She couldn’t muster a ‘cuntzilla” as Grainy calls me.

My good pal Rye-Rye sent me this. Ha. Loved it.

Rylee is one of our favorites here; she sends me emails all the time and this month was no different. I received 5:

Why don’t you ever email me?!=:(:(:(“.

Three frowns. I hope she didn’t throw herself over a bridge.

Kyra stomped her feet and threw a tantrum later in the month.

I INVITED YOU TO CHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think reasoning with her at this stage in our e-stalking relationship isn’t in the cards.

I received another FooPets e-card, this time from Madelyn. Dog. Dead. Deal.

Rylee emailed me with even more frowns, if you can believe it.

I had such a board time at curch:(((((

Love “board”. I sent her a link to postal service of the saved, so she’d feel that her endeavor wasn’t for naught. I also wanted to ask her why she bothered going, but it seemed inappropriate. Speaking of the postal service, did you know there’s a website called Postal Reporter, big postal fun: A postal news blog, postal photos, books, videos and postal attendance. Everybody clap.

Good ol’ Rylee came back for more. Apparently, I forgot a few things…

Hey whats up? Hope you can play. I want to pik to chat with u. Oh and Katie you forgot your pillo again!!!!!!! Well see u soon love, me:)! Rylee if u wer wondering:))!

I appreciated the ‘Rylee if u wer wondering” at the end, concerned that I’d forgotten her. As if?!

How apropos, I just received an email from, I kid you not, 1-800-suicide.