Join me on my Flangezam

• Observational Humor
• 4 Comments on Join me on my Flangezam
• Posted on 30 July, 20111 August, 2011
• by Katie Schwartz

What’s comfortable about a flangezam? First, preparing for a flangezam takes work and can only be described as a Silkwood shower with enough moisturizer to hide redness. Everything is shaved and plucked. My snatch can now be packaged and sold as potpourri to the finest department stores.  Once in the exam room, I undress from the waist down.  I lay on my back, feet in stirrups, while a speculum drives its way into my tunnel of love. After a few cranks, my canal has been stretched for optimal viewing. Awesome. During the exam, I get to feel like a sightseeing attraction. Instead of me receiving 25 cents to view through massive binoculars, with insurance, I pay a $40 copay.

I’m a talker. Fortunately, I have an excellent OB/GYN, who, aside from being very thorough and calming, allows me to drone on. He’s pretty vadgetacular.

Of course, cracking jokes is one of my favorite pastimes, especially while in stirrups. During my last exam, this was what we discussed.

DRS: Katie, I’m inserting the speculum.

ME: What can you see so… Oh, I feel that. Yes, I do.

DRS: Relax your knees.

ME: Working on it.

DRS: The speculum is inside, now I’m going to do the pap smear.

ME: (sarcastically) Great! Just be careful of soldiers walking out, Oh, that burns. Yup. I feel the burn. Not going to lose a pound from this. Waving white flags. Almost done? These annual exams are their only chance to flee. Okay, what’s next?

DRS: Medi speak for more swabs.

ME: Have you thought of geez Louise, is that a friggin tooth brush? adding a mobile or a few pictures, We’re almost done, right? perhaps a television to the ceiling? Okay.

DRS: Breathe.

ME: Working on it.

The speculum cranks and I can feel it leaving my body. Now for the fingerbang slash ovary squeeze portion of the test.

ME: I’ve always loved being a woman Oh I feel that. Should I be feeling that? Is there something wrong? Now, I’m thinking outdoor plumbing might not have been so terrible.

DRS: Everything is normal.

ME: Well, this was fun. I’ll see you next year.

This concludes our first flangezam as a family.