Stick a fork in him
- Clichés
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Admittedly, I’m a deathy dame, to the extent that macabre humor tops my list, among other things.
Let’s discuss the cliché, Stick a fork in him. Logistically, what scenario would one practice the fork method? I get the point – being stabbed by a fork hurts. If you have a pulse, you’ll react. Blah, blah, blah. Who cares.
Obviously person “A” truly shoved a fork in person “B” for signs of life. Hence the cliché.
My realistic scenarios are as follows:
You’re name is Skyler. You live on the Upper West Side of Manhattan. During an elegant, yet intimate dinner party with your closest frenemies to show off your latest, gaudiest renovations, suddenly one of your friends, Mason keels over and onto your freshly Italian tiled dining room floor (son of a bitch, you think, until you realize there’s no blood. Whoosh. Dodged a bullet there). Instead of checking for a pulse, you reluctantly grab a Williams Sonoma Flute flatware fork. With great hesitation because you love this new set, you feel obligated to see if he’s alive, so you stick Mason with the fork – where- Neck? Shoulder? Leg? How deep do you go? After realizing Mason hasn’t jumped up, you call 911. How do you explain the fork incident? Worse, Mason’s blood has spilled into the grout.
“You see, EMT Lady, when Mason suddenly fell to the floor, we weren’t sure if he was dead or alive. With all the forks in sight, stabbing him seemed the logical thing to do. You know… to see if he was alive.”
Can you imagine the look on the EMT’s face? I think she’d call him tard-o-rific.
Your name is Skip. You’re from Alabama. While enjoying a day at the rodeo watching bull riders, you notice that your sister, Pip hasn’t been screaming the way she usually does for those foxy boys in skin tight Lee jeans (so offensive. The jeans, I mean). She appears to be sleeping, so you nudge her. Though unresponsive, her head falls onto your shoulder a bit too hard. Hmm… You panic and scream “QUICK, I NEED A FORK.” Location, location, location. Where are you going to find a fork? You scramble through the massive indoor arena in search of a fork.
“Got a fork? Need a fork? It’s an emergency, please tell me you have a fork.”
You notice a toothless couple eating chili with a plastic spork. You rip it out of their hands. Once beside your sister, Pip, you jab it into her neck. Unfortunately, the spork shatters on impact. Dammit, how are you going to see if she’s alive?
As you were.
*Image courtesy of The Boxia.