Masturbation is not as easy as it looks

Masturbation is not as easy as it looks

Ages ago, I wrote an essay called “Born to Fuck,” chronicling my shameful history with masturbation. I’ve never been successful in this department.

Years later, I finally got another vibrator and while we had a few blips, we seemed to be working well together. You know, aside from a neighbor walking into my apartment and finding Roberto on my nightstand or my slumlord finding Roberto in the sink. And the maid hiding it from me because masturbation is a sin.

About a year ago, I bought a new one. I had the perfect hiding place and took Sebastian out for a spin when I needed to get in and out quickly.

Recently, either my fantasies have become so boring that I’ve been falling asleep on myself while the vibrator is between my legs or I’m a lousy lay. I wouldn’t be worried, but this has happened three times. How shameful is that? It’s one thing to fall asleep during sex with another person, it’s an entirely different thing when you fall asleep on yourself. Talk about a blow to the ego. I can’t keep my proverbial self up.

It gets better… When I woke up with Sebastian vibrating along in my lady parts, you’d have thought I spent the night getting a fierce pounding. Oh, I KNEW I had a vagina. My lips quivered like a blender on puree for ages, and my legs moved with the grace of a speech impediment.

Sadly, I have broken yet another vibrator. Sebastian peeled after the third time. Can I blame him? He probably felt hurt, betrayed and emasculated.

PS: I really don’t enjoy Moby’s music.

 

*Image courtesy of Meme Center

One comment

Bodynsoil
Reply

Yeah, I have been rather uninspired as of late myself.. I need some new material to keep myself motivated and on task.. FYI, unless you are looking for something all fancy you could go for the Neutrogena Healthy Skin Rejuvenator.. Seriously does the trick and the maid will think you are cleaning your skin at night..

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