Good for you, you Have a Penis, Now What?

• Observational Humor
• 1 Comment on Good for you, you Have a Penis, Now What?
• Posted on 24 May, 201124 May, 2011
• by Katie Schwartz

As a child, you were delighted when you learned to pee standing up all by yourself. WOW. Big accomplishment, to be sure. Of course, aim wasn’t as momentous as repainting the bathroom with Martha Stewart’s line of “Spring Your’Eyen.

Growing up, discovering morning erections were, at first, scary, I’m sure. A former pee machine was transforming right before your eyes. Equally terrifying, creamy white stuff was oozing out in the middle of the night. You thought, “Was my penis being bad? Did I do something wrong? Why is it hard in the morning?” Poor guy.

Hopefully you discussed this with your parents, and hopefully they explained that you were a big boy now, and hopefully they discussed the breadth of capabilities your penis now held.

Or your parents scared the shit out of you and told you that you were in possession of Satan’s bat, only to be used when married by a partner of your parents choosing, after being home-schooled, and after graduating from trade school.

Suddenly, adulthood has set in. You’re a man, a straight man with a penis. Good for you! What kind of man will you be?

• A man-child who can’t take responsibility for himself?
• A mama’s boy? i.e., a  man who cannot make big boy decisions without their mother’s approval. You know, decisions like, choosing what type of jeans you should wear before your 35th date with the same woman
• A man who doesn’t have the sack to say,  “I do not want a commitment.” And goes on to outline the type of relationship he’s looking for, versus misleading women into believing their in a committed relationship, when in actuality they aren’t. If you tell a dame what you want, up front, like a big boy, you give her the choice to be involved with you, or not.
• A man who cannot see beyond his penis
• A man who cannot see beyond his own needs, to, oh, I don’t know, consider you might actually have them, too?!
• A man who cannot be honest, forthcoming and shoot from the hip.
• A man who is incapable of listening, communicating and stating the facts. See, there is, in my opinion, this grand misconception that women will FREAK OUT when you tell them the truth. You’re a big boy, if you state the truth, she will respect you for being honest. Surprise!
• A man who moves out of his mother’s house, into his wife’s house and treats his wife like his mother.
• A man who insists on chronicling the minutia of every minute of his day and calls her 50 times a day to let her know exactly what he is doing. i.e., I am going to Subway. I am ordering a turkey sandwich. I am eating my turkey sandwich. I just finished my turkey sandwich. I’m going to Target to pick up batteries. Do we need batteries? Should I go to Target? I think I need batteries, though. Is it okay if I buy batteries at Target?
• A man who is unwilling to consider new ideas and who is too afraid to change to achieve THEIR GREATER GOOD
• If my lady balls are bigger than your big boy balls, we got problems

Or will you be this kind of man?

• A whole and complete man who is confident in who he is
• A man who can see beyond his needs and actually cares about someone else’s needs, even if you’re in a fuck buddy relationship
• A man who is straight up, yo.
• A man who can be vulnerable, strong, intellectual, pragmatic, generous, smart, funny and ‘gets it’, whatever it is and whatever that means to each person
• A man who loves his mother and/or his family, provided they aren’t the spawn of Henry Lee Lucas.
• A man who is true to himself and won’t sacrifice his identity for anyone.
• A man who has a deep understanding of the difference between compromise and sacrifice.

Men, care to add anything? Ladies? Speak up.

–PS: I’ll be doing a womens instillation tomorrow